Why so negative?

I've posted about accidentally zooming in on a 12 session free personal / life coaching meeting, yes pun intended since it was the first time I used Zoom. William Hitzke, my coach decided to continue with regular sessions to those who were interested. It has been 6 months since then and we continue our inner journeys together.

It was serendipity. It was a gift.

It was really serendipity on how I found the meeting. Now, I consider it a gift as well. The world is experiencing a pandemic and it was, and still is a tough time for everyone. The meetings, the lessons and the exercises were really helpful. The meditations in particular were really calming. On really good days you feel that you went through an emotional spa. If you were feeling some weight on your mind almost immediately it goes away after the session.

 I have one goal.

I've gone through a 6 month personal growth seminar more than 10 years ago so I had a very good idea on how it is and how it is going to be. At the start of the year I was actually thinking about getting in touch with a personal coach. My thought bubble there was "to get in touch IF or find a circumstance to" -  in essence just an idea no forward action would have gone into it. My goal was clear though. Find a bigger source of income via a business, side hustle or work. Ok, maybe it wasn't so clear but I need bigger source of income. The specifics of the how may not have been clear at the start but it actually firmed up as I went through it. In one session, I got singled out on what my goal was and I envisioned how it's going to work out. I am now one step in to my goal and about to move to step two. It's going almost exactly as I saw it to be. There may be other goals that I want but I will focus on this and focus on this alone.

I know myself but I really don't know.

After every session, I always seem to be in a more reflective mode. You look back in your life both the good and the bad, and look how you felt on those situations. This is where I see how powerful these meditations are because you feel the emotions one again. Some of these emotions are the same some are different and at times stronger. The ability to look at situations in your life differently. It's not simply viewing it with your memory, you feel like you re-live it with a different set of eyes and a whole new set of emotions. You learn more about yourself that you already knew but with a different perspective. I find it hard to explain this, so maybe this example will make it clearer. I was always shy and an introvert and with reflection - I want to be invisible. I want to go through life with as little fuss and as little attention. It brought up front and center. Things you know about yourself, whatever issues those are become more well defined. You look at yourself with a new set of eyes. I knew that about me but I did not know.

Why so negative.

My entrepreneurial journey began 10 years ago. Anyone looking at the startup industry would know the journey of the entrepreneur is up and down, circular, left and right and putang-ina!! These ups and downs have probably weighed down on me, plus all the bad experiences I've had in my corporate life. I became more aware of this negativity in the past few months, maybe a year. There's always this little thought bubble that something wrong might happen. While I was aware if this, I can now clearly identify this issue and tackle it. While it may seem small, outside looking in, it is the consistency of the though that bothers me. Until recently I always though of myself as an optimist. Maybe because there's an innate confidence in me but my subconscious says otherwise and this must be changed. Why so negative? I don't know. MUST.FIND.OUT. ....and get that goal!!

Faith

A client of mine is a professional executive coaching company. For a time, during the lock down, I kept attending webinars on coaching just to give me a broader perspective on the process. The best way for me to describe this coaching, manifesting, personal growth stuff - I feel all these is a mix of religious faith, science, psychology and mysticism. I'm quite sure if I talk about what I'm learning to some of my friends they're probably going to be a bit weirded out. But I believe in it. I've been scrolling through the internet to learn more about it. After the first session, which I enjoyed, I committed to it with openness and acceptance. I don't think I consciously jumped into it with that mindset. But because I have a goal I will stick to it. I have learned enough to learn the logic of it. I have seen and experienced things to believe in it. Faith is not knowing how but knowing that it will be.

Eulogy for Tito Pepe

 A friend was asked to do a eulogy for the dad of our high school classmate who was murdered in 1995. As a father it became his lifelong mission to seek justice for his soon just as any good parent would.

I have absolutely no memory of Tito Pepe before Nonong updated me about the case and asked me if our class would organize events and support the family for Phillip. I probably met Tito Pepe and Tita Nena for sure, sadly during Phillip’s wake to offer my condolences.

Everything about Phillip’s case was patiently told and re-told by Tito Pepe untiringly and patiently to anyone who would listen. Each time was as surprising, shocking and unbelievable. There were times when new leads came up, new stories connections about the case that brings hope that maybe justice will finally be found.

There is a normal order in the universe that it is the son that buries his father but in Tito Pepe’s case it was the other way around. To add to this difficulty, he was murdered by the very institution he was serving, that institution he was serving lied, covered up his death and tried to blemish the reputation of his son by saying it was suicide.

It is a father’s instinct to protect his son. And he did. It became his lifelong quest to find justice for Phillip. The family most likely suffered quietly in his quest. From what I heard even the business. The emotional, financial and physical burden would have likely taken its toll. But he persevered, as a loving father should.

Phillip was our high school classmate, murdered 23 years old with his whole life ahead of him. We did not see him as a man. Through Tito Pepe’s stories we got to know him more. I now think of the cliché – the fruit does not fall far from the tree. Most likely Phillip can be felt by us through Tito Pepe – his grit, his values and above all the love he showed to his son Phillip. Phillip would have been a great father just like Tito Pepe.

At the same time just maybe, Tito Pepe also looked at us with fatherly eyes. Imagining how Phillip would have grown up to become a man. We as classmates somehow represented Phillip as we ourselves started getting married, having our own kids. The fact is, by celebrating Phillip’s life and death with Tito Pepe and family – this has become a good reason for us classmates to get together. Tito Pepe was Phillip to us we became Phillip to Tito Pepe….

And to end with a happy thought. After 25 years, father and son are now together. This thought comforted me when I heard about his passing….